I ain’t afraid of no troll.

I ain’t afraid of no troll.

The new Ghostbusters film is now the most disliked movie trailer on YouTube ever. With an obviously concerted effort to get it downvoted more and more.

I wonder if this might have anything to do with that fact that the lead characters are women?

Some of the troglodytes lurking in the comments shadows of the Internet are unabashed about their hatred of the fact that the film has an all female cast. They say that women simply aren’t funny, and that this film is political correctness gone mad! That’s the nicest thing they have to say. Others pretend the all-female cast isn’t the issue, rather that the beloved original simply doesn’t need to be remade or given a sequel/prequel. Their disproportionate fury at this trailer makes it clear that this second group of antediluvian chunterers have exactly the same reasons as the first.

I love Ghostbusters. I don’t necessarily think it needs to be remade. But I’m really looking forward to it, because it’s full of funny, talented people and there’s a chance it’ll be fantastic. But, I’ll happily admit that this trailer is not great. Well now, look at this! Here we all are happily frolicking about on lushly verdant common ground! Isn’t this fun? Look how fertile the ground is. Fertile. We could stay here if you like… Wait, where are you going? No, it’s dark over there! And I’m pretty sure I saw a ROUS!

Fine. Onwards.

The vitriol spewed at this trailer has almost nothing to do with the film, and everything to do with misogyny. (Vitriol only really ever gets spewed, doesn’t it? Why is that? It’s not a liquid it’s just a concept, but even if it was a liquid there’d be other ways to eject it. Ejecting vitriol definitely doesn’t work though. Ok, let’s come back to that another time perhaps.) So. From mild irritation to say, petulant sigh and epic eyeroll at the thought of a new Ghostbusters film, you’re having a normal human reaction. If you’re spitting teeth furious and determined to force the trailer of a film to be ‘downvoted into oblivion’ and boycott the film itself or try to make it a flop…you probably hate women. And that’s ok. Lots of people hate lots of things. Sure, it’s not pleasant, but it’s part of you so just accept it, and think about it a bit, and maybe consider working out some of those issues? Or at the very least accept it and openly admit it. That will make things delightfully simpler for you and everyone else.

Remakes happen all the time. It’s a dismaying, but normal fact of movie life. Movies are money. They mean nothing more than that to studios. Films that once made money, or became very popular might make money again. That’s all that studios want. Your petty downvotes are not ever going to change that. But if you became say, a screenwriter, or a director or a producer then maybe you could change it. It’s a long shot, and involves a bit of actual effort…but it’s more likely to work than clicking on a tiny thumb picture and hurling vitriol. (No, hurling doesn’t work. Or does it? )

Remakes/sequels/prequels/wankquels that suck are a dime a dozen. Let me first draw your attention to, just off the top of my head here, say… Ghostbusters 2. POW! All your favourite menfolk there and it still sucked! Then let’s see: Blues Brothers 2000, Star Trek, Psycho, The Wicker Man, Point Break, Halloween (could somebody please tell Rob Zombie to stick to music btw? You there, with the glasses and the cheese, you go tell him. He’ll feel better about it coming from you. Thanks.), Prometheus, Planet of the Apes, The Fog, Fame, Poseidon, A Nightmare on Elm Street, The Italian Job, Guess Who, The Taking of Pelham 123… etc etc et feckin’ cetera. Remakes are quite likely to suck. Because the main motivation for a big studio to make them is purely profit. Why are you surprised? And why the hell are you furious about that? (*cough* ’cause women *cough*)

Another fact of movie life is that bad trailers happen all the time and they have no bearing whatsoever on whether or not the film will be good. Star Wars anyone? The Abyss. Frozen. Those trailers were muck. The films were not muck.

There are films that had phenomenal trailers but the movie turned out to be a disappointment. The Phantom Menace trailer, remember that? When Darth Maul appeared and opened his DOUBLE ENDED LIGHTSABER? Uproar! And Padme was looking all weird, and Liam Neesons was there and it was just pure counterdicks… Remember how cool? Well, let’s just pretend that there was only that trailer and nothing else.

What about all the movie trailers soooo much worse than this new Ghostbusters one? Where the films themselves are bound to be awful. Take any Adam Sandler or Wayans bros film. (Please, take them and burn them and make it so they never existed.)

Then there are also plenty of trailers that just make you go ‘meh’. Obviously I can’t think of any right now because they made me go ‘meh’ so never really stuck in my mind, you know?

The point I’m hammering home here with my feminazi jackhammer dildo is that the trailer has no bearing on the film. If it’s a shit trailer, the film could be good. If it’s an incredible trailer, the film could still be maggots. A trailer is nothing but an amuse bouche. Amuse bouches are little free treats to get your palate interested in the main courses. Why are you getting angry about an amuse bouche? It’s free food! Eat it and be grateful and think of the children around the world who have nothing to eat. That will help them.

New Ghostbusters is hated, hated because the cast is all women.

There, I said it. It really sucks when you’re not represented at all in films doesn’t it? Or when you are a tiny bit, but the parts are just shit. I wonder what that feels like? Oh wait, no I don’t because that’s how it is all the god damn time for women!

And of course if the new Ghostbusters is terrible, then that will be conclusive evidence that women aren’t funny and should never be given lead roles in comedies or any other film for that matter. Let’s just forget about the thousands of obnoxiously shitty films with all male leads, or the countless excruciatingly unfunny “comedies” starring/written by/directed by men. And let’s not bother to consider that Ghostbusters is directed and co-written by a man, because of course it’ll be the women that make it trash.

Well trolls and women haters, me and my best friend Tina Fey think you are the sexual equivalent of a million Phantom Menaces. *Jeff Goldblum gasp*

For the men who say this is ‘political correctness gone mad’. You do have quite a lot of other films to choose from with male leads now, don’t you? Can you hear the patronising tone in my voice? It’s there. Think of Jenny Agutter in American Werewolf in London saying “shall I be forced to feed you, Mister Kessler?”. That’s the voice. I don’t like to have to take that voice, but you’re being very silly and having a rather tiresome overreaction just now. It’s one film with an all female cast in an ocean of films with male leads. Now get back into bed and try and get some sleep, you’ll feel much better for it I promise.

This revelation right here is for the men who say that women just aren’t funny (and I’m typing this in Jeff Goldblum voice because I think it’ll soften the blow):

Men are usually not that funny.
But women usually are that polite.

We will laugh at your “jokes” even when they suck, so as not to hurt your feelings. Or occasionally because we want to have sex with you, in the vain hope that your twixtlegs bone isn’t as lacklustre as your funny bone. We know it’s gonna be, but we do make poor decisions sometimes. Also being a jerk doesn’t count as funny… I know you think it does, but nope, so minus a billion funny points for you and plus infinity points for me and Tina Fey with whom I am bestest friends forever. (It’s not stalking if they never know you’re there).

In the vain hope that you’ll stop with the sweeping generalisations (ooh, and generalisations only ever sweep don’t they?), may I present in no particular order for equality reasons which is all we want… some funny women:

Madeline Kahn
Jane Krakowski
Tiny Fey
Carrie Fischer
Meryl Streep
Ellen DeGeneres
Sarah Silverman
Amy Poehler
Amy Schumer
Samantha Bee
Melissa McCarthy
Kristen Wiig
Amy Sedaris
Jane Lynch
Betty White
Emma Stone
Jennifer Lawrence
Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Mary Tyler Moore
Sandra Bullock
Lucille Ball
Whoopi Goldberg
Cloris Leachman
Carol Burnett
Joan Rivers
Eve Arden
Gracie Allen
Jo Brand
Victoria Wood
Dawn French
Jennifer Saunders
Sandi Toksvig
Miranda Hart
Sarah Millican
Jessica Hynes
Sharon Horgan
Sherri Shepherd
Pauline McGlynn
Kathy Griffin
Carol Burnett
Gilda Radner
Lily Tomlin
Janeane Garofolo
Caitlin Moran

Now before you flounce off to the comments section in a rage: no, you’re not going to rape or kill me. You’re just going to say you will because you’re very angry and it’s the worst thing you can think of. Take a moment. What does your comment sound like in a Jeff Goldblum voice? And yes, I will go to the kitchen and make you a sandwich if you really want – but, you know, that will involve me coming to your house, and you will have to talk to me… You’ll be much less rapey and rude when we’re sitting together having some food and talking. Keep that thought to hand, along with Jeff Goldblum voice next time you go to write a comment.

Here’s to a great new Ghostbusters film! May it be a billion times better than the trailer, and if it isn’t…may we not blame all women for it like we don’t blame all men for Adam Sandler or Martin Lawrence films.

*freeze frame air punch!*